Tales of the Roadhouse
by Tonga
Summary: Completely off the wall one-shot in which the gang decides to take a break from Raine's cooking and eat some actual food. Includes whining about wait times, problems with peanuts, and the… disposal of annoying servers. R/R!


_**A/N:** Alright, a slight change of pace as I work on 'Adbertos' - which is getting a slight re-haul as I learn more canon. Chapters on that fic are coming along OK, but my main computer did kinda… explode… so now my ability to crank it out has been… vaporized. *sigh*_

_This is a one-shot that results from taking my brother - the same brother who infected me with this… disease - out to eat. I give him half-credit here as he is actively participating in cranking this little ficlet out._

_DISCLAIMER: Own nothing, claim nothing, k? Thx!_

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The journey to regenerate the world was indeed fraught with many perils. There were countless monsters, known and unknown enemies that constantly delayed the pilgrimage and, of course, Raine's cooking. It had been many nights since anyone had eaten and it was with relief that a mysterious dwelling appeared on the horizon.

From this dwelling drifted the most delicious aroma. The party began to walk faster, heading towards this wonderful smell as quickly as they could, knowing that when they arrived there would be a great meal waiting. As they came closer they were able to see several people lounging outside the building, casually chatting as they apparently waited for something.

"This appears to be a restaurant of some kind," Raine said, studying the structure before her. "Shall we stop here and rest?"

"And eat!" Genis piped up excitedly. "It smells… fantastic!"

"And what is that supposed to mean?" his elder sister asked, a gleam in her eye.

"Regardless, I think it would be wise for us to stop here for a time," Regal interrupted. "We can replenish our strength."

"Agreed," Presea spoke, her eyes taking in her surroundings. "The rations have been getting smaller, perhaps rest and a meal will improve our morale."

"Fine," Raine replied frostily, leading the way into the crowded building. She knew very well how the others felt about her cooking, but how was she to ever improve if they did not allow her to continue her experiments?

The inside of the restaurant was dimly lit and noisy. The party paused at the doors for a moment, adjusting to the scene before them. In the small space before them was a long wooden counter, behind which a blonde head could be seen busily working. Beyond this were countless tables, people currently seated at all of them.

"Looks like we take a number," Zelos grinned from the back. "Let me handle this."

The red-head approached the counter, catching the attention of the blonde working there. The figure looked up, eyes dull and bored, and spoke, "How many?"

"Father!" Colette cried, rushing forward. Her cheerful smile wavered as a thought occurred to her. "Wait, we didn't get you in trouble did we? Were you fired?"

"I don't he was fired," Kratos interjected. "Merely… relieved of his duties."

"Oh!" Colette grinned, turning back to the angel at the counter. "That's good then!"

Remiel blinked, seeming bored with the exchange, and repeated, "How many?"

"Er, uh, nine?" Zelos replied, taking a quick count.

"Right, your number is 3341, your expected wait time is forty-five minutes."

"Forty-five minutes!?" Zelos exclaimed disgustedly. "Can't you do anything about that? I mean, I am the Chosen after all."

"You can wait in there," Remiel pointed towards a room off to the side.

"Ugh! Waiting? Are you serious?" Zelos continued to complain as he was drug off towards the waiting area. The room they came to was filled with benches, all of which were taken. "Oh, come on! This is ridiculous!"

"Calm down," Sheena grumbled. "It's not like you are the only one having to wait."

"Yeah, but I'm the only one who _shouldn't_ have to wait!" Zelos insisted, moving off towards a bench and grinning at the people sitting there. "Hey people, would you mind finding another spot to wait?"

"Zelos!" Sheena admonished, pulling him back. "You can't do that!"

"Why not?" Zelos whined. "It's not like they'll be waiting much longer. At least not as long as we will…."

"Just… stand here and shut up!" Sheena snapped.

With all of the benches occupied the party found itself forced to split up while waiting for their number to be called. Sheena continued to stand guard over Zelos lest he make further attempts to drive innocent people away from their benches. Zelos pouted, voicing his dissatisfaction with having to wait, ceasing only after Sheena smacked him.

Raine had found a small contingent of scholars waiting in the room and was eagerly exchanging theories and ideas with them. Kratos had posted himself at the entrance of the room where he could keep watch over the party, he seemed irritated and his stance discouraged anyone from approaching him.

The others stood around a large barrel in the center of the room. Colette peered inside, her eyes wide with curiosity. "Peanuts?"

Genis stood on tiptoe to look, grinning. "Excellent, we can eat these while we wait!"

Presea reached out, taking a peanut and studying it carefully. "Eat it?"

"Yeah!"

Tilting her head to the side Presea popped the nut, shell and all, into her mouth and chewed. "It is not very good."

Genis stared at her as Lloyd and Colette laughed. "Presea, y…you have to..to…."

"He means to say you have to remove the shell first," Lloyd interrupted, grinning at his friend.

"Oh," Presea took another from the barrel, crushing it in her hand. She opened her hand to reveal the dust. "Like this?"

"Not exactly," Genis sighed.

Laughing Lloyd and Colette left their friend to explain to Presea how to properly shell a peanut. Colette eagerly shelled peanuts, offering the nuts to Lloyd while she held the shells. After a few moments she began looking around the room, her face concerned.

"What's wrong Colette?"

"These shells, what am I supposed to do with them?"

"Oh," Lloyd grinned, happy to know the answer. "Just throw them on the floor!"

"Really?" Colette asked, smiling up at him. "They won't mind?"

"Of course not!"

"Great!" Colette eagerly tossed the shells to the floor, turning back towards the barrel to get more peanuts and tripping. "Oops!"

She fell against the barrel, tipping it over and spilling the peanuts. "Oh no!"

"Colette! Are you ok?"

"Yeah, but the poor peanuts! I'm so sorry!"

"It's alright Colette," Lloyd assured her. "As long as you're not hurt."

"Yeah, I guess you're right," Colette grinned, allowing her friend to help her up. "You're supposed to throw them on the floor anyway, right?"

Despite Zelos' fears the party was not old and gray by the time their number was called. They eagerly returned to the wooden counter where Remiel waited to show them to their table. Once they were seated the angel supplied them with menus and drifted away towards the wooden counter, informing them that their waiter would be with them momentarily.

"This is great!" Lloyd grinned from his place between Colette and Genis. "What are you guys going to eat?"

"This salad looks really good!" Colette smiled happily, pointing out an item on the menu.

Genis frowned looking from his menu to the ones his friends held. "Hey! Why is mine different?"

Colette leaned over Lloyd, taking a closer look at the paper menu Genis held. "Maybe it's a special menu just for half-elves!"

"No," Genis disagreed, looking down the table to where his sister sat. "Raine has the same menu that you two do."

"Mine is the same as Genis'," Presea supplied from where she sat on Genis' other side. "I am not a half-elf."

"You guys must be special for some other reason then," Lloyd grinned. "You're the only ones who got different menus!"

"You two are really naïve, aren't you?" Zelos drawled from across the table, lowering his menu to smirk at Genis and Lloyd. "That, my friends, is a children's menu."

"Children's menu?" Presea questioned. "What does that mean?"

"It means, my littlest hunny, that you were given a menu suited to your more… delicate tastes."

"Oh." Unimpressed the pink-haired girl continued to study the paper before her. "I did not realize 'grilled cheese' was a delicate taste."

Genis laughed. "Well, in that case I guess I'll eat a cheeseburger!"

"Yes," Zelos smirked, "A very… delicate choice indeed."

"Hey!" Genis glared across the table. "What do you mean by that?"

"Zelos!" Sheena turned in her seat, slapping the offender in the back of the head. "Behave!"

"Ow," the red-head complained, pouting. "What did I do to deserve that?"

Sheena narrowed her eyes, "If you want to act like a child we'll get them to bring you a children's menu too."

Before Zelos could respond he was interrupted by the arrival of their obviously harried waiter. Without really looking at those seated around the table the blue-haired man sighed a harassed sigh, digging in his apron for his notepad as he spewed out the usual greeting. "Sorry to keep you waiting. My name is Yuan and I'll be your server today. What can I get for… you?"

The table became silent as the party stared at their server and he stared back at them. Then Lloyd abruptly stood, knocking his chair back and yelling, "What the hell are you doing here?!"

"Calm down Lloyd," Kratos insisted from his spot at the opposite end of the table. "I'm sure there is a very good reason why Yuan is… waiting tables."

Yuan grimaced. "There is, but I'm afraid I can not say."

Lloyd, still glaring at the blue-haired man, sat back down. Colette grinned, raising her hand and waving towards the server. "Um, Mr. Yuan? Are you going to take our order now?"

Grumbling audibly he pulled out his notepad, glowering at them as he asked, "What do you want?"

"Someone's obviously not interested in earning a tip," Zelos muttered under his breath as the others placed their orders.

Once their server had retreated to the kitchen Lloyd looked around the table at his companions. "Why do you think Yuan is here?"

"For that matter, what is Remiel doing here?" Kratos added.

"Oh, I know!" Colette clasped her hands together, "Maybe they both really need to make some extra gald!"

"Colette," Genis started, "Why…?"

"I don't know why they are here," Zelos stated. "But I'm starting to wonder just who else is hiding in the back."

"Yes," Raine agreed. "It is unusual that two of our enemies have now turned up in this restaurant. And both are employees, not just patrons, perhaps it would be wise to investigate."

"I agree," Regal nodded. "Maybe it would be possible for one of us to enter the kitchen to see what is going on back there."

"Yes," Presea joined in. "If we get into the kitchen then perhaps we can find out who is running this restaurant."

"Leave it to me!" Sheena declared, standing up. "I can slip into the kitchen easily enough. I'll be right back!"

It did not take long for Sheena to return, her face flushed as she quickly took her seat.

"Well, what did you find out?" Raine asked, studying her.

"Oh, I'm sorry guys!" Sheena cried. "I had just slipped into the kitchen when I heard something behind me, so I turned to check and ran into a shelf full of pans. The shelf fell towards the grill where people were working and…."

"And the kitchen is now short a few grill hands, isn't it?" Zelos finished. "Leave it to you Sheena, Tethe'alla's clumsy ninja!"

"Was anyone injured?" Raine asked.

Sheena nodded miserably.

"Professor!" Colette looked towards the half-elf. "You should go and help them!"

Raine studied the blonde seated across from her. "Yes, I think you are right Colette." She stood from her seat and headed in the direction of the kitchen.

"Raine!" Genis yelled after her. "Just… don't touch any food, ok?"

The minutes dragged on and still Raine did not return from the kitchen. The only person who seemed bothered by this was Genis.

"I just know she's in there helping them cook!"

"I don't think that's it," Zelos grinned. "Sheena probably injured a lot… Ow!" He turned towards the seething girl. "Do you really have to do that?"

"If there are many injured it would take Raine some time to heal them all," Regal assured Genis. "I am sure she will stay away from the grill."

Genis continued to groan, "You can't say I didn't warn you."

"Didn't warn who?" Raine asked, coming back to her seat.

"Raine!" Genis exclaimed happily. "I'm so glad you're back!"

"Yeah," Lloyd grinned mischievously. "Genis has been worried about them putting you to work back there!"

"Shut up Lloyd," Genis grumbled.

"Hm," Raine studied her brother a moment before turning back to the others. "I'm sorry it took me so long…."

"Sheena really messed up back there, huh?" Zelos interrupted, earning another smack from the ninja.

"No," Raine shook her head. "But you're never going to believe…."

"Oh great!" Lloyd grinned happily. "Our food is here!"

Sighing in defeat Raine gave up trying to tell her companions what she had discovered in the kitchen. She doubted they would believe her anyway.

The food was served and everyone happily began eating. Colette picked at her salad, too busy talking to eat. Raine listened to Colette's chatter as she ate her meal, unwilling to admit that the food was far better than anything she had been producing. Perhaps there was something to all these different spices they were using….

"What's wrong Presea?" Genis asked, watching as the pink-haired girl stared at her plate.

"These are… French flies?"

"French _flies_?" Genis asked, staring.

"I believe your menu must have had an error," Regal interjected. "It should have read 'French fries', a form of potato that is cut into thin strips and fried."

"Oh," Presea picked up one of the fries from her plate. "Then these are not flies."

"Of course not!" Genis grinned.

"Good."

Genis turned back to his cheeseburger only to be distracted by Lloyd furiously sawing at his plate. "Uh, Lloyd? Is something wrong?"

"How are you supposed to cut with this dull thing?" Lloyd muttered, holding up the serrated butter knife he had been supplied with.

"Maybe you could use your swords," Colette suggested, looking at him earnestly. "I'm sure they would cut much better!"

"Yeah!" Lloyd eagerly agreed, unsheathing one of the swords at his side and slashing at the steak before him.

"Lloyd, that is not an appropriate use for your swords," Kratos frowned from down the table.

"I know, but it's the only way to cut through this steak!"

"Perhaps the better option would be to send the steak back and request another one that has been properly prepared."

Lloyd fumed, "But this is easier!"

"If that is how you see it," Kratos shrugged, turning back to his meal.

"Honestly Lloyd," Raine admonished. "If that is how you are going to use your swords you can hand them over now."

"Wh..what?" Lloyd stared at her.

"Someone will be injured if you continue to use your swords in that manner," Raine glared. "Hand them over."

"Better do it," Genis muttered beside him. "I've seen that look before."

"Fine," Lloyd grumbled, handing over the weapons.

The rest of the meal went smoothly, the companions eating their meals with enthusiasm. It wasn't until they had finished their meals and were waiting for Yuan to bring them their check that Raine remembered what she had encountered in the kitchen.

"Oh, that's right!" she exclaimed, looking eagerly around the table. "I never did tell you what happened in the kitchen earlier!"

"No," Genis grinned, knowing he was not within reach of his sister. "I'm just glad you weren't asked to work the grill!"

"Yeah," Lloyd agreed, yelling out in pain as Raine stomped his foot beneath the table.

"If you are all finished belittling my cooking abilities I would like to tell you what I found in the kitchen."

"Were you able to heal all those cooks that Sheena tried to kill?" Zelos asked, managing to dodge the hand that whipped out to smack him.

"There were not that many injured," Raine replied. "Only one was serious, the rest were just bumps and bruises."

"I'm so relieved," Sheena sighed. "I thought I might have really hurt someone!"

"Yes, but about what I saw in there…."

"Oh, look!" Colette pointed. "Here comes Mr. Yuan with the check!"

Raine again realized that she was defeated and promptly stopped trying to tell them about what she had discovered. At this rate they would soon be gone from this place, so it wouldn't matter anyway.

"You may pay that when you are ready," Yuan grumbled, looking even more irritated than he had before.

Just then a contingency of servers began filing out from the kitchen, clapping their hands and making a lot of noise as they progressed through the dining area.

"Not this again," Yuan grumbled, heading back to the kitchen.

Those at the table became very still. Colette stared at the growing number of servers parading through the restaurant with an intensely curious look on her face. Sheena and Raine looked bored and turned away while Zelos grumbled something under his breath. Regal seemed unaffected by the noise, acting as if nothing at all was out of the ordinary.

"Where are they going?" Presea asked, sounding baffled. "Why do they make so much noise?"

"I don't know," Genis stared at the servers as they came closer. They finally stopped at another table nearby, the noise almost unbearable. Colette clasped her hands over her ears, still grinning happily.

"Attention everyone!" one of the servers yelled above the racket. "We have a special guest tonight who is celebrating a birthday!"

Over the clamor that followed this announcement they heard a soft voice from down the table.

"Sacred powers…."

Lloyd looked up, hissing, "Kratos, what are you doing?"

Kratos ignored the interruption, continuing the incantation as he stared at the tabletop. "Cast your purifying light…."

"Um," Zelos looking between the servers and Kratos, obviously concerned. "Don't you think you're being a little harsh?"

"Upon these corrupt souls."

"Kratos, no!"

The man looked up, glancing towards the noisy servers without remorse. "Rest in peace, servers. Judgment!"

Bright beams of light dissected the restaurant, the noise swallowed up in the chaos. The wind quickly died down and they could see again, however it was by no means the same restaurant it had been. Sunbeams shone down through the holes that riddled the ceiling, tables had been overturned and many of the restaurants patrons were running from the building. Only those at one table remained seated, all of them staring at the same person in shock or awe.

"Well, that's done it," Raine announced with resignation.

"What have you done to my restaurant!" a voice cried from the direction of what had once been the kitchen.

They turned, almost as one, to stare at the tall, blonde man hurrying towards them, uttering simultaneously the same shocked cry: "Yggdrasill!?"

All but one. Raine sat nonplused in her chair, seemingly disgusted with them all. "I tried to tell you several times but none of you would listen to me!"

"You knew he was here!" Genis cried. "Raine, why didn't you…?"

"None of you would listen!"

"As fascinating as all of this is," Yggdrasill glowered at them. "I want all of you to leave this place at once! You've completely destroyed my restaurant!"

"Sure," Lloyd agreed, standing up. "We'll just pay this and leave."

Colette quickly agreed. "We're so sorry Mr. Yggdrasill! We'll even clean this up right away!" She hurried forward earnestly, tripping over her chair and falling backwards. She managed to catch herself against the wall behind her, however the wall was unable to support her weight as it once had. "Oh no."

Groaning ominously the wall began to tremble.

"This isn't good," Lloyd stared at the wall, just as it gave a loud rumble and came crashing down. Without the wall there giving support the other walls of the restaurant also came down. It took some time for the dust to settle but when it did the party was all huddled under the remaining table.

"Way to go Colette!" Lloyd grinned. "You just knocked down an entire restaurant!"

"I'm so sorry!" Colette apologized. "Is everyone ok?"

"Yeah, sure, thanks," Zelos grumbled, crawling out from beneath the table. "I always wanted to know what it felt like to survive an implosion."

"Sorry!"

"I think we're all fine Colette," Sheena said, looking around. "See, Raine and Regal and Presea are over there, and Kratos and Yuan and Genis are there. You and I are fine, and Lloyd and Zelos." She began laughing as she took in this last person. "Zelos, your hair is… gray!"

"What?" Zelos beat at his hair, dislodging the dust.

"Where's Mr. Yggdrasill?" Colette looked around.

"Right here," the voice replied from the other side of the room - or what had been a room. "Now that you have thoroughly destroyed this place I want you to - get - out!"

Taking a long look at the fuming man the party decided that the best course of action would be to leave - quickly. They wandered away from the destruction, heading back towards the trail they had been following.

"Wow Colette!" Genis said, catching up to where she was walking with Lloyd. "That was great!"

"What?" Colette looked at him in confusion. "I feel so bad for doing that! I didn't mean to break the building!"

"But you brought it down right on top of Yggdrasill's head!" Genis grinned. "That was great!"

"You know what this means, don't you?" Raine asked.

"Um, Colette shouldn't be allowed inside buildings?" Genis ventured.

"No," Raine grinned wickedly. "You are all going to have to endure my cooking for the remainder of this journey!"

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_Come on, own up... you know you've wanted to destroy those pesky annoying servers before too. :-) Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed this little bit of insanity! Please review!_


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